School of Life: When grieving does you wrong...

Do you ever feel extremely lonely, even if the most supportive people are around you? 

It’s something I always thought to be an exaggeration of movies and songs but 2019 proved me wrong.

When you have a fight with a friend or a loved one, you might wonder what they’re doing, what they’re thinking, how they’re feeling, but you dare not satisfy your curiosity because of your ego. When a loved one dies, you might have the same interrogations except that this time, you cannot stalk them on their social to see what they’re up to. You don’t even know where they are, if they exist or how they exist. It'd be easier to be at peace with not knowing or to tell yourself a story that can make you sleep at night. If you’re curious like me, none of that will suffice. You will want to know exactly where they are, what they are, how they’re feeling, and if they're safe! I know this sounds really crazy but it’s just the reality of things, my reality.

This year, a few loved ones passed away and all the questions and concerns I had about their well-being turned against me. I kept thinking about death a lot, trying to understand it, figure it out and get my answers. Little did I know that such a quest would push me away from the living. Surrounded by amazing individuals, I felt out of place and not much really mattered. I was conscious that I needed to survive, to function, and I did. I spent very little time and energy living, barely meeting standards of social and academic commitment. I spent very little attention to life matters and most of my time walking in a poorly lit tunnel of doubt and worry. Is there light at the end? I guess I’ll have to answer that myself.

I am among the living, but breathing for the dead, thinking and worrying about them. I have never been in such dark a trap that I have no idea how to break. All I know is that I am not the same and I hope this “adventure” can help me understand myself better, know more about life and the absence of it. 

If you feel out of place, even if your circumstances aren’t the same as mine, I see you. I might not understand what you’re going through but I see you and I send you my love. Struggle is just a journey and you want to be a tourist, not a resident. It might be a place we find ourselves in at times but there’s no need to stay. We can hurt, learn, get back out and only come back when life gives us no alternative.

What I learned is that one needs to have a home to get back to, be it a house, family, a person, a memory, oneself or a spiritual space, it makes the biggest difference.

Sometimes, we just need time to heal and bring back a beautiful smile!